I'm sure all of you can relate to this. A friend seeks your advice. As you begin to relate your thoughts, your friend fervently interrupts you with, "I know, I know I know". A coworker reaches out to you for feedback on a particular project. As you share you some insight with your coworker, they - in a tone almost laced with annoyance - state "I know, I know, I know".

I see this all of the time in coaching sessions. Primarily, clients frustrated with themselves for showing up a certain away, reacting to a conflict in a certain manner, or fixated on a particular person or event. Whenever I hear the words, "I know, I know, I know" I am aware that a couple of things are happening:

1. Their intellectual body may have an understanding, but that understanding hasn't fully integrated into their feeling body.
2. Since it hasn't fully integrated, it's simply information and not embodied wisdom.
3. Their statement of "I know, I know, I know" serves only to foster self-judgment and self-shame, because it operates off of the belief that they should have done something differently or be somewhere different.
4. Also, the client stating "I know, I know, I know" could be a protective measure, for they may be in fear of how they will be perceived - by myself and others - and are wanting to convince me of their worth. 

As a coach, I can provide a judgement-free, shame-free place for the client to accept where they are, right now at this moment, which may include recognizing the dissonance between their intellectual and feeling body (more on this in the next post). From there, we can begin to reframe the situation by acknowledging the factors that led to the choice/reaction - while still holding them accountable to their choices. More importantly, we begin to explore to the feelings that surround the situation, moving from the intellectual body to the feeling body.  Finally, we develop a strategy for what can be done differently, always centering our responsibility and the choices available.

If you find yourself saying, "I know, I know, I know", in personal or professional circumstances I invite you ask yourself, "why is it important for me that others know I am aware of the information they're sharing?".
- Am I worried about how they will perceive me?
- Am I concerned about creating a power dynamic in which I feel indebted to them?
- Am I afraid, if I were to follow through on said advice/insight, that the person would use that against me and make it about themselves (the "see I told you" scenario).

If you find yourself in a similar situation, and are looking for someone to create a container to process your feelings and co-create a strategy to address future situations, consider setting a one-on-one coaching session with me today.

Most, if not all of us, are familiar with community guidelines. At trainings, conferences, or workshops a list of rules and regulations are created, and adopted, that inform expectations around speaking and build the container for conversation.

We also probably all have our favorites - mine is say enough - and our least favorite - mine is whatever is said here, stays here, but whatever is learned leaves here. As, I have continued to explored the deeper meaning of respect in the workplace, I feel that discussion guidelines are essential; essential not just for conferences, workshops, and trainings but everyday meetings as well.

Most of the meetings that I have attended in my career had no such guidelines. Perhaps there were unspoken assumptions about how we should converse with one another, but nothing ever articulated out loud, and certainly not collectively generated and consented to. However, co-creating guidelines builds team trust and fosters mutual respect. It establishes common ground, gives clarity, and provides a space for collective buy-in for how members would like the team to function.

Simple Do's and Don'ts of Establishing Team Guidelines:

• When generating guidelines, I like to use a circle method for participation that way everyone is heard and has an opportunity to put forth a guideline that is meaningful and important to them.
  
• 5 - 8 Guidelines are fantastic.
  
• Once established, I ask participants if they are clear on the meaning of guidelines or if they need to ask clarifying questions to gain understanding. Guidelines are meaningless if we are operating from different places of understanding.
  
• Create a space for everyone to commit to the guidelines. If you are in a physical office setting, print off the guidelines and have everyone sign it like a contract, and keep it in a visually prominent place so it can often be referred to. If you are meeting virtually throw a graphic with the guidelines in the chat box or have the facilitator share their screen.
  
• Establish a process to acknowledge when a guideline is broken and how does a team move forward. Mistakes are going to happen and setting the expectation that guidelines do not generate perfection nor prevent someone from forgetting and falling prey to destructive habits - especially in highly charged moments.
  
• Revisit these guidelines often. Discuss whether any needed to be amended, changed, or taken off completely. It is also an opportunity for everyone to recommit to the practice again.
  

I emphasize that this is a new way of communicating that will take time, practice, and patience to reinforce.

A 2018 Georgetown University Survey found that amongst the 20,000 participants surveyed, that respect was the most desired trait for leaders, and yet incidences of disrespect are increasing.

A 2022 survey of my friends and peers (certainly not 20,000) found that respect is an extremely difficult concept to define; one that is informed by an individual's past experiences, values, beliefs, cultural norms, preferred communication styles, and so much more. So how does a workplace generate a shared vision of what mutual respect looks like?

As I mentioned, my friends and peers each defined respect differently; some in small ways, and others in more drastic terms. Some said to be nice, kind, and considerate of each other, their wants/needs, and current mental/emotional state. Others felt that respect was more about admiring someone for their strengths, capabilities, and skills and acknowledging that, and in some ways, deferring to that person in situations in which they had the superior skills or knowledge set. Some even asserted that respect meant relating, speaking, and connecting to them on their terms, in a way that they deem convenient and acceptable. Okay, the last one might have been my interpretation based upon the answers that they gave. However, I still feel that it holds up. 

A cursory glance through various articles online didn't reveal much on how to identify, nor create, respectful work environments. One common suggestion thrown out as a way to create respect at work is "treat others how you would like to be treated".

I think this notion is short-sighted and problematic. Knowing that respect is an extremely individualistic concept, why would you believe that your definition of respect, in any way, relates to them? It also centers one person's interpretation of respect as the mold, and if anything deviates from that, it is disrespectful. This made me circle back to my earlier notion on respect; that respect is more about ensuring that the way that you relate to me doesn't cause me inconvenience. Phrased somewhat differently, I want you to ensure that none of your choices will cause me any adverse reacts or consequences. This implies that respect is very much tied to our relationship with trust, which I wrote about earlier. 

So, for me, respect is created when there are shared community guidelines, generated collectively, that everyone consents to, with acknowledgment of consequences and a process to address harm that is rooted in principles of transformative justice. This means attending to our impact in work environments as opposed to just defending our intentions.  Respect also comes about when a culture of honesty, transparency, and candor is modeled and encouraged; this culture of honesty and transparency extends to our contributions, both our successes and mistakes. Respect results from curiosity about other's communication preferences, learning styles, and ways that they would like to be treated.

How would you define respect? What key pillars are essential to you and what informs your definition of respect?

 I recently presented at a leadership advance in New Orleans and one of the main topics of conversation was trust; surveyed staff shared they desire it above all else, and management wanted to create an environment where trust was fostered.

However, trust is one of the tricky buzzwords where we say we want it, without knowing what that looks like, sounds like, or feels like.

The dictionary defines trust as, "firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something".  In my work, trust becomes more associated with perfection-driven tendencies and toxic fear than anything else. Trust is removed when someone makes a mistake. Trust is destroyed when punishments are given out because of said mistakes. Punishments are consequences delivered with shame, anger, and judgment. Trust then becomes something team members must continually earn and prove to one another. A powerful question I often ask groups is, "what must someone do to earn or keep your trust?". Answers vary: they must always be honest, they must be consistent, they must follow through, etc. In other words, they must be perfect. And if they are not perfect, they need to own up to it and provide an immediate and reasonable way to fix their mess with little to no inconvenience for anyone else. In essence, when we say I want to trust you, what we are actually saying, "I want certainty that you will never do anything that will cause my life pain".

This is unrealistic because the expectation comes from a selfishly driven place. Trust becomes something to barter and hold over others. It becomes a source of power in shifting dynamics.

In order to change this, individuals and companies must understand that trust is given not earned. That doesn't mean there are not parameters, boundaries, or containers for the work that we do.  Trust is a relationship; one where I recognize that we are equals. I trust that I will make mistakes and that you will also make mistakes. That's why one of my favorite phrases as an EQ coach is

"I trust you to make the best decision with the information and support that you have at this moment"

Little shout out to all of my theatre lovers out there. 

I work with managers, high-level executives, and directors in a variety of non-profit corporations; variety not just in scope, but size, and business model as well. Though each are unique, they face many of the same issues: how do we create a healthier workplace culture that serves our workers and our clients, how do we mitigate toxicity in the workplace, how do empower leadership to handle difficult conversations in a productive, and supportive manner? 

Before we can even begin to discuss tactics and strategies that we could employ, we first have to talk about our mindsets. I often encourage those that I work that a mindset of curiosity is a powerful tool in  addressing many of the aforementioned issues. 

Donald Latumahina, founder of Life Optimizer, provided his four reasons why curiosity is important:

• It makes your mind action instead of passive
• It makes your mind observant of new ideas
• It opens up new worlds and possibilities
• It brings excitement to your life   

In addition, I feel that a curious mindset has the ability to shape the nature of conversations whether it is about addressing problematic behaviors or giving feedback on a recent project. Curiosity: 

• Creates the feeling of being seen and heard. By asking questions we encourage others to open up and share their thoughts and feelings.
• Invites us to remain non-judgmental. If we believe that we know what happened or what needs to happen, our mind is fixed, and therefore often unwilling to entertain other ideas or truths.  
• Makes us the Detective, gathering information to make more informed choices and decisions. 

For me, the last one is the most important, and essential in fostering an environment that is conducive to productive collaboration. A curious mindset creates space for us to be wrong, to have made mistakes, and viewing situations through a different lens.