I trust you But ...

 I recently presented at a leadership advance in New Orleans and one of the main topics of conversation was trust; surveyed staff shared they desire it above all else, and management wanted to create an environment where trust was fostered.

However, trust is one of the tricky buzzwords where we say we want it, without knowing what that looks like, sounds like, or feels like.

The dictionary defines trust as, "firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something".  In my work, trust becomes more associated with perfection-driven tendencies and toxic fear than anything else. Trust is removed when someone makes a mistake. Trust is destroyed when punishments are given out because of said mistakes. Punishments are consequences delivered with shame, anger, and judgment. Trust then becomes something team members must continually earn and prove to one another. A powerful question I often ask groups is, "what must someone do to earn or keep your trust?". Answers vary: they must always be honest, they must be consistent, they must follow through, etc. In other words, they must be perfect. And if they are not perfect, they need to own up to it and provide an immediate and reasonable way to fix their mess with little to no inconvenience for anyone else. In essence, when we say I want to trust you, what we are actually saying, "I want certainty that you will never do anything that will cause my life pain".

This is unrealistic because the expectation comes from a selfishly driven place. Trust becomes something to barter and hold over others. It becomes a source of power in shifting dynamics.

In order to change this, individuals and companies must understand that trust is given not earned. That doesn't mean there are not parameters, boundaries, or containers for the work that we do.  Trust is a relationship; one where I recognize that we are equals. I trust that I will make mistakes and that you will also make mistakes. That's why one of my favorite phrases as an EQ coach is

"I trust you to make the best decision with the information and support that you have at this moment"